Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
…..pretty much.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.