[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I love the National Park Service.
Succinctly put.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.