i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.