It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.