Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person