Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You Might Also Like
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
U talkin 2 me?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
i wish we could shoplift online
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.