My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…