Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Every time.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Important
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?