The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Better names for porcupines:
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
So that’s what we looked like?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
Only $139.95! Act now!
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
what could possibly go wrong?
english majors be like furthermore
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?