The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix