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One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*