The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Here’s a meme
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.