Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
You Might Also Like
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If you know, you know
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in