… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
this came to me in a vision
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“