this came to me in a vision
You Might Also Like
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.