My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
screw you
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.