“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
The Sun
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Pikachu found the lost joint
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.