Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them