Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.