Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time