My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.