JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
crying
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.