My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”