Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here