*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
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When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.