If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.