I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit