[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
why I oughta
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen