I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Tony Hawk, age 6
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.