@BeingDBEAST

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

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@Try2StopME

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@AmishSuperModel

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

@Reel2Dialog2

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

@FatherWithTwins

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

@Cheeseboy22

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

@noog

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.