One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
NASA has no chill
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Webb. James Webb.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.