my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
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hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.