I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few