How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.