EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..