Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter