I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
inventing words: clothing
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Y’all ready for this
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles