*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot