ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
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I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth