The Sun’s probably Asian.
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“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
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The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.