If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar