I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving