ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Lol.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.