I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
You Might Also Like
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”