“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.