Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.