Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while