A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
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me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*