A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
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Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
How it started: How it’s going:
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.