*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.