GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
This kid is a star!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure