@Goofpoops

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

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@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

@hoedeehoe

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

@robdelaney

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@Ms_JCplus4

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

@rachelle_mandik

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise