The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
synchronized noseblowing
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Life cycle of cat
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Planet of the Apps.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Ape together strong
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!