Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
You Might Also Like
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees